Video clips
Christmas Presents
Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presented you would rather not have received:
1. Thanks a lot!
2. My word! What a gift.
3. Well, well, well ...
4. If I hadn't lost so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.
5. I just hope I don't lose this. We're always losing things around here.
6. It's great; but I'm worried about the jealousy it may create.
7. Just my luck to get this, on the Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.
8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5's Witness Protection programme.
9. Frankly, I don't deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn't have.
CRACKER JOKES
What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan
"Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?"
"No you can have turkey like everyone else!"
What did the eskimos sing when they got their Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when"
Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
"Actually I got it for a poultry amount" she said.
A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher,"Do you raise them yourself?"
''Of course I do,' the butcher replied. "They were only 50p a pound this morning!''
"This turkey tastes like an old settee."
"Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing."
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked,"Can you help me fix my sledge?"
"Sorry"the motorist replied."I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist."
"Well, can you give me a toe?"
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite